When I look at that picture, that stack of papers, I have to admit I freak out a bit. That’s my book. The very, very, very rough draft of my book. In the end, there’ll be many more pages but for now, that stack is enough to make me want to throw up. I’ve known for about 2 years now that this book needs to be written. Not because I have some huge revelation that the world needs to hear, but simply because He asked me to and I have a story to tell – the story of my journey from living a very rules-oriented, structured Christian life to one that fully embraces the rest and grace and beautiful chaos that comes from totally trusting Him in everything.
After taking over a year off (okay, okay – almost 2 years – stop being so literal……) and totally ignoring that stack of papers, I have finally decided I need to set a goal and actually finish this thing. Can I tell you something? That feels like a huge commitment to me. I don’t want to set deadlines and goals. Not doing that gives me the ability to “opt out” and not finish.
I’m sure there are writers who fully embrace and dive in with excitement, anticipation and joy. Maybe that will happen to me if I ever write more than one. For now, however, writing a book equates to the same feeling I get when I’m writing a song – way too much vulnerability. I’ve shared a lot of my story here on the blog in small bits and pieces, but knowing that all of it will be in one place is a bit intimidating and scary to me.
But I’m trying to embrace the excitement of it more than giving in to the fear of it. I’m discovering that there is a fine line between the two since excitement and fear both generate the jitters internally. “Am I feeling excited or scared to death? I have no idea!” GAH!
I guess I’m writing this post because I need to say it out loud and have it on paper. I’m writing this post because I want to be brave, take risks and even celebrate that I can have the opportunity to write about the amazing journey Papa has been taking me on and how miraculously He has changed my life. I’m writing this post because I want to embrace my love for writing and using words in a way that paints pictures you can never forget. I want my words to matter – even if it’s only for me.
So, yeah. I’m writing a book. And I’m going to publish it.
Here we go…..