martha to mary

from martha to mary | the older son

February 16, 2012 By Mary Hess

To read all of the posts in this series, you can click here.

I realize that the Older Son isn’t directly related to the story of Martha & Mary, but it is directly related to my story and has the same undertones in it that the story of Martha & Mary carries.

Let’s look at the passage:

²⁸ “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. ²⁹ But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. ³⁰ But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ ³¹ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. ³² But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’” Luke 15:28-32 (NIV)

The Older Son acted like Martha acted. Remember Martha told Jesus, “Hey! Make Mary get up and come help me. She’s just sitting out here doing nothing and You are letting her.” And now we see the older son basically saying the same thing, ‘I can’t believe you are throwing him a party! He’s basically called you dead to him and ran off and blew every last dime you’ve made. And here I am being dutiful, respectful, always faithful to you and you NEVER throw me a party!”

And he sulks.

Just like Martha did.

Can I just tell you that what he said – what Martha said – in and of itself isn’t wrong. Yes, it’s good to be faithful, dutiful, respectful, reverent, always willing to obey.

But when you use the wrong attitude and motive that’s not okay.

For so long I had the same mentality and I would get so frustrated, so mad, so hurt that God would bless people who I knew – who I knew didn’t deserve it. And yet here I was, constantly doing all the right things, and yet fully feeling like I was missing out on all the good stuff.

I was.

Totally missing out.

Not because God was leaving me out.

I was missing out because of my inability to see that I was in the middle of it all to begin with. So to me it seemed I was being left out – which would drive me to perform that much harder. But all along, I was in the Father’s house – safe – secure – and with all of His blessings, His riches, HIS PRESENCE, right within my reach.

I was focused on the wrong things.

He just wanted me.

Let’s break down a couple of interesting things in the Older Son / Prodigal Son passage.

Look at verse 28 - The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him.

So he got mad. Understandable. But let’s break down the rest of it.

He refused to go in.

Do you realize what that’s saying? The older son refused to go back into his Father’s house.

If you break down the Greek in this passage, it basically says that the son didn’t take pleasure going in to the father’s house.

The Father’s house represents the safety of relationship with Him. Sure, the prodigal as well as the older son were still His children – whether they were in the house or not (that’s another post for another day). But when they left the house – they left relationship with Him.

Notice what happens next in verse 28 – The father goes out and pleads with the son to come back in.

This. Breaks. My. Heart.

That’s twice in one day the Father has left the house for his sons.

First for the younger son.

Now, He’s coming back outside from the party to plead with His older son to come back home too.

Wow.

How many times has Jesus pleaded with me to just simply come back inside and enjoy the party but I was too stubborn, too prideful to do it? No, instead I wanted to point out all that I had done, had accomplished for Him to try and validate why I had a right to be mad, to be upset, to leave the party.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Every time, He will come out and beg you to come back in.

Every.

Time.

Over the years (and honestly I still suck at it some times) I have had to learn to trust that God loves me just as I am. I have had to learn that I can’t earn His love. I have had to learn that He is not holding out on me because He does something for someone else and not me. I have had to learn to just abide – just rest – just enjoy His presence.

If I can just convey this one thing, then maybe it will help free you too.

No amount of work, of striving, of trying to prove yourself will ever earn you a higher spot in His kingdom or in His heart.

Nothing.

He just loves you.

He just loves you because you’re you.

That’s all.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

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from martha to mary | control

February 9, 2012 By Mary Hess

To read all of the posts in the series, click here!

I am going to be super duper transparent here: I do not want to talk about this particular facet of my journey with you today. But at the same time I do.

It’s no secret that I have a strong personality. For those of you who have studied personalities or taken the little quizzes they have online, I am a Choleric/Melancholy-Sanguine. I am a high Choleric – which means I am extroverted, I like the bottom line (so don’t give me the fluff stuff in a conversation), I like to delegate, I enjoy being up front and center, I am very direct, I like it when people just shoot straight and I’m my most comfortable when I am teaching/speaking/leading a crowd of people.

Being a Melancholy means that I can be introverted a bit when I want, I love my down time, I am a list-maker, I am good at organizing, hospitality comes fairly natural to me (getting my house ready/dinner/etc for entertaining), I like things to have their place in my home, my purse, my car, on my computer, I’m negative more than positive, I get easily offended, I need to be told quite frequently that I am doing a good job.

I said I was Sanguine because when I test, both my Melancholy and Sanguine scores are usually identical. So basically I think I was more Sanguine as a child but life, circumstances and time evolved my Melancholy side. So the Sanguine only comes out when I am my most comfortable, feel my most safe with you and when I need to use humor to get a situation calmed down. Yep. Sanguines – think Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. They love to be the life of the party, have a great sense of humor, can be a bit disorganized, are their most comfortable when they can fly by the seat of their pants – not having to plan it out to the last detail.

I tell you all of that so you can have a background for my issue with control. Control, in and of itself, isn’t a bad thing. But of course, it can be. And in most cases, is. I have been called Jezebel, control-freak, the one who”wears the pants in the family” – you name it.

And sometimes it was true.

And sometimes it wasn’t.

Deep inside of me, control represented security. If could control things, then I could guarantee they would be secure and I would be safe.

If I could control my friendships, keep them moving on that invisible axis, spinning effortlessly, then that meant I would always have friends.

And while I can definitely say I have never been the one who “wears the pants in the family” there are still ways I have tried to control my husband – and sometimes those ways are worse than just outright trying to control.

Manipulation.

Manipulation in all kinds of situations.

If I could just turn that thing around just a little bit toward how I thought it should go, then I felt safe. But at the same time, I didn’t have to admit controlling the situation.

And that is the worse kind of control.

It’s deceptive.

Not only to the people around you, but more importantly to yourself.

What’s even more embarrassing to me now is how I would use this false humility combined with the manipulation to divert attention from me controlling the situation/person/event/etc.

I think the most difficult thing for me on this journey has been relinquishing control.

Martha was controlling.

She was manipulative.

Well, I believe she was probably controlling in life, but in the scripture reference we have, Jesus didn’t let her control the situation. He didn’t give into her demands because they were the wrong demands, first of all and they were not presented in the right way. Scripture doesn’t say but if I was a betting woman, I would bet that after that convo, she stormed back into the kitchen to sulk.

³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one.^[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42 NIV

Do you see how she tried to control the situation? It so mirrors me and how I would do things. “Jesus! Make Mary get up off her butt and help me in here. I’m trying to work for You and she’s just sitting there doing nothing. And I know that’s not acceptable to You Lord, because it’s sure isn’t acceptable to me. Now, tell her!”

Sigh.

I’d love to tell you I’m completely free from that mess.

But I’m not.

All I know is that I am freer now than I have ever been and even better, I know how to recognize it when it pops up in my life – in whatever situation.

Next week we’ll talk about the Older Son from the story of the Prodigal.

Oh yeah. There’s more.

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Thank you all so much for the comments you sent me last week. Isn’t it nice to know in the grand scheme of life that we are not alone and that there is hope?! You are loved! You are Mary! We are all going to get through this and have victory over the things that have held us back from an intimate, grace-filled life with God.

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from martha to mary | insecurity

February 2, 2012 By Mary Hess

To read all of the posts in this series, click here.

martha to mary,martha and mary,mary and martha,women of the bible

I had people fooled for years.Years.I created this facade that projected I was a confident, sure-of-myself, secure in who I am woman.

I could act it really well.

But inside I was the total opposite.

Why?

Because I based my security on what I did for you – for God and not on who I was in God.

Pretty simple really,

Yet very complicated and convoluted.

I felt my most secure and most loved when you needed me, when I heard you tell someone else how much you needed me and couldn’t make it without me. It made me feel warm, tidy, secure, important, cherished.

For years I’ve tried to find the one defining moment in time that triggered that ungodly belief in me – that my value and security was in doing. And I still don’t know of a particular moment or memory that stands out to me. I just think, for now, that I’ve always been that way – and it was something that was reinforced over time.

If you chose to use someone else instead of me, I was crushed. My brain would race; my heart would pound; my stomach would churn. What?! You don’t want to use ME? Why? What did I do wrong? I can do it better? I can make you proud. Please don’t throw me away. Please don’t discard me.

Sigh.

It was so exhausting. I found myself transferring those feelings into my closest relationships – wanting to be the go-to for everything, the one who had all the answers, the one who managed the entire relationship – because that made me feel like you loved me and I was important to you. I just couldn’t believe or fathom that you might love me just because I’m me and no other reason.

I mean, who loves like that? Seriously?

So I would “do” for my children, “do” for my husband, “do” for my pastors, “do” for my friends, “do” for my employer and fellow employees, “do” for my parents and siblings. The word no didn’t exist in my vocabulary. So I would go and go and go and go – thinking the whole time I was building relationships. GAH! But I wasn’t. I wasn’t building anything but a wall. And I was actually pushing people away from me – giving them only the surface me – not the real me, because I felt that if they really knew what was going on inside of me, they would hate me.

And all I’ve ever wanted is to just feel loved.

Fast forward to today – 2012. I’m in a much better place now than then. But I’m not completely free of it either. I constantly remind myself that I am loved because God loves me and that’s all that really matters in the scheme of things, right? To love and be loved by the One who literally died for me – for me because He loves me that much. I’m having to learn and remind myself that nothing I do or no one I love in this human life can ever fill that crazy, deep desire I have to be loved. Only God can. And when I find my security and my worth in Him, all the other things fall into place.

But it’s hard.

I’m not gonna sugar coat it.

It’s tough.

And sometimes life events or circumstances trigger that reaction in me to do something more so I can feel secure and loved.

When those things try to bring me down, I remind myself of the picture I saw one day in my quiet time – me and Jesus walking along the beach, hand in hand. The waves were rolling, the wind was blowing, the sun was shining. I felt so secure. I reached for His hand and pulled back when I felt the scars there. Instinctively I opened His hand and instantly felt a level of security and love when I saw my name carved there. My name. Carved in His hand. He looked at me and said, “Why are you surprised?” I was. I was surprised.

The One that matters did something for me no one else has ever done.

He showed me love and security that no one else ever will.

And my name is in His hand to prove it.

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I know, if you’re like me, you’re thinking, that’s easy to say but harder to do – believe that I am enough. But you know what? You ARE! You are enough. He just wants you – nothing more, nothing less. I’m praying for you today – praying that God will reveal His love to you in a most amazing way – just for you.