I had people fooled for years.Years.I created this facade that projected I was a confident, sure-of-myself, secure in who I am woman.

I could act it really well.

But inside I was the total opposite.

Why?

Because I based my security on what I did for you – for God and not on who I was in God.

Pretty simple really,

Yet very complicated and convoluted.

I felt my most secure and most loved when you needed me, when I heard you tell someone else how much you needed me and couldn’t make it without me.   It made me feel warm, tidy, secure, important, cherished.

For years I’ve tried to find the one defining moment in time that triggered that ungodly belief in me – that my value and security was in doing.  And I still don’t know of a particular moment or memory that stands out to me.  I just think, for now, that I’ve always been that way – and it was something that was reinforced over time.

If you chose to use someone else instead of me, I was crushed.  My brain would race; my heart would pound; my stomach would churn.  What?! You don’t want to use ME?  Why?  What did I do wrong? I can do it better?  I can make you proud.  Please don’t throw me away.  Please don’t discard me.  

Sigh.

It was so exhausting.  I found myself transferring those feelings into my closest relationships – wanting to be the go-to for everything, the one who had all the answers, the one who managed the entire relationship – because that made me feel like you loved me and I was important to you.  I just couldn’t believe or fathom that you might love me just because I’m me and no other reason.

I mean, who loves like that?  Seriously?

So I would “do” for my children, “do” for my husband, “do” for my pastors, “do” for my friends, “do” for my employer and fellow employees, “do” for my parents and siblings.  The word no didn’t exist in my vocabulary.  So I would go and go and go and go – thinking the whole time I was building relationships.  GAH!  But I wasn’t.  I wasn’t building anything but a wall. And I was actually pushing people away from me – giving them only the surface me – not the real me, because I felt that if they really knew what was going on inside of me, they would hate me.

And all I’ve ever wanted is to just feel loved.

Fast forward to today – 2012.  I’m in a much better place now than then.  But I’m not completely free of it either.  I constantly remind myself that I am loved because God loves me and that’s all that really matters in the scheme of things, right?  To love and be loved by the One who literally died for me – for me because He loves me that much.  I’m having to learn and remind myself that nothing I do or no one I love in this human life can ever fill that crazy, deep desire I have to be loved.  Only God can.  And when I find my security and my worth in Him, all the other things fall into place.

But it’s hard.

I’m not gonna sugar coat it.

It’s tough.

And sometimes life events or circumstances trigger that reaction in me to do something more so I can feel secure and loved.

When those things try to bring me down, I remind myself of the picture I saw one day in my quiet time – me and Jesus walking along the beach, hand in hand.  The waves were rolling, the wind was blowing, the sun was shining.  I felt so secure.  I reached for His hand and pulled back when I felt the scars there.  Instinctively I opened His hand and instantly felt a level of security and love when I saw my name carved there.  My name.  Carved in His hand.  He looked at me and said, “Why are you surprised?”  I was.  I was surprised.

The One that matters did something for me no one else has ever done.

He showed me love and security that no one else ever will.

And my name is in His hand to prove it.

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I know, if you’re like me, you’re thinking, that’s easy to say but harder to do – believe that I am enough.  But you know what? You ARE!  You are enough.  He just wants you – nothing more, nothing less.  I’m praying for you today – praying that God will reveal His love to you in a most amazing way – just for you.